The pretty princess chapter 1 (the knight's story)

The Pretty Princess

Once a generation a pretty princess is born, in my generation she was born on June 7th, 1973. This is the chronicle of my quest to find her.

I had spent my young adulthood trying to find her. The stars had aligned and I knew she had been born. I went to many seers trying to find the clues that would lead me to her. I had run into dead end after dead end. I was ready to give up, but I found a sign inviting those brave enough to come and meet the witch Ellen De Snaggletooth. Legend had it that she was a ruthless beast, but if you were brave enough she would answer your question.
I approached the lair of the great beast, although I was shaking inside I tired to put forth a brave front. I talked to her and in a battle of will I was able to best her.

“What is your question foul knight?” She hissed.
“I seek the pretty princess, you must tell me where I can find her.”
“I know the location, but I will not give you this knowledge without a service.”
“What service do you require?”
“You must serve in my Ohio lair for not less than one season. If you perform this task, I will tell you and I will reward you with money.”
“I accept your terms.”

I was whisked away to Ohio. I was processed and found that I was not the only one she had tricked into serving her. I was locked into my prison and told I would be let out the next morning and was to report to the People Corral.

The next morning I reported to the Corral. After surviving an attack by a little troll I saw her. The pretty princess. She walked toward me, to say walk does it no justice. She glided across the floor like she wasn’t touching the ground at all. Her pony tail swayed side to side.
“My name is Kellie Landenberg, were you tricked by Ellen, or did one of her fellow beast loan you to her?”
“UH……” Her beauty had struck me dumb, a tear was welling up in my soul. I was so close, but nothing came out.
“Well, I better get back before they break out the shackles.”
I listened to my heart pound in my chest. Her beauty still filling my eyes. Her nose was perfect. Her hips swayed as she walked, her pert bosom bounced with each step. But beyond her looks…. Her voice rang like an angel singing. She wore a kind heart on her sleeve, and you knew she cared about your well being. You could tell the kindness she had inside her. I had to get to know her, I had to help free her.

The biggest question was where to start. I needed to find some heroes to help on my quest. One of my first friends was the Tyskaraung. He insisted I call him Dan. I then found help from The Cat, he insisted I call him Mat. My final companion was a strange fellow named Jason, he walked calmly between sanity and insanity, but you never knew when he might fall on the side of insanity, and his hatred for Frosty was known throughout the land. We set out from the Wooden Cedars.

We had to battle our way out of Cedars. The floors were full of rotten holes that rabid squirrels. Our Tyskaraung got his foot caught in the ceiling trying to stop the evil noise makers above. Then the spiders showed up. For many hours we fought our way past the spiders, at one point all hope seemed lost but a Flaming Glenny showed up and taught the spiders to dance. The spiders then danced their way out of the building headed for Broadway. Once out of Cedars we had to consult the King of the booth to find out where to find the Pretty Princess.

“Help you I can?” Croaked the King. “But should I?”
“You must help us, then we can free you from the booth.”
“I could leave the booth anytime I want, but I think a quest would be fair for the information you seek.”
“What is it?” I asked exasperatedly.
“Your quest is to find the Pink Chalice of the patio. I warn you it will not be easy as the chalice is protected by a band of Thiedieves.”
“What are Thiedieves?”
“They are the craftiest thieves. They are like chameleons, and can hide in plain sight. They can win you over with a smile, and then slide a knife into your back.”
“I accept your terms.”

We left the King of the booth, and journeyed north. When out of nowhere a blue blur came running past us. The first pass nothing happened, but with the second pass it knocked Jason to the ground. Then it got Mat, and then Dan. I was left standing. I pulled out my special Googoyles which allowed me to see things more clearly than before. I saw the blur was a naked blue man. I told Jason that the man looked a lot like Frosty, and that pushed him over the top.

“Knock me down, you jerk, I’ll teach you a lesson.” Jason bellowed as his fist struck the ground. This knocked the Blue Streaker to the ground. We surrounded him and tied him up.

“What are you going to do to me?”
“We are going to eat you.” Jason snapped.
“Please don’t eat me, I can help you. The King sent you for the Pink Chalice right.”
“How did you know?”
“He has sent many fool hardy people to Thiedieves. The only way you can get it is if you dress like one of them and go alone. They would never trust a group of four.”
“What do they look like?”
“Looks do not matter, you just have to agree with them and be willing to do shady things. They expect you to steal from them, but to get the Pink chalice you must be extra crafty. I don’t know how you will get it, but I have helped you the most I can.”
“You guys stay here, I am going to attempt this. Don’t go far I feel we still have a lot left to do.” I said
I wandered the path until I came upon the patio. You couldn’t really tell it was a patio except for the three large umbrellas that provided shelter from the rain for the patrons of the forest. When I first arrived I spotted a small gnome like creature.
“Are you a Thiedieve?” I asked.
“No, I am Tim. Nothing else just Tim. I have been here from the beginning, and will be here until the end.” He replied.
“Are you trapped?”
“No, I am here because I want to be.”
“Nip a few too many mushrooms maybe?”
“Maybe.” He said with a shrug
“I can introduce you to Thiedieves if you would like.”
“I would appreciate that.”

He took me around the back and we entered a dwelling. The smell of charred flesh filled my nostrils.
“Welcome traveler.” A small man said. “I am Sean Thiedieve, and this is my twin brother Scott. Over there is our sister, but she isn’t important, only we are.”
“I agree, you guys look very important.”
“I told you that greeting would work.” Sean said to his brother Scott.
“What brings you to us?” Scott asked.
“Your little gnome brought me.” I replied
“Ha, ha. No! Why are you here?”
“I heard you guys make the greatest burgers in all the land.”
“That is true, but can you handle it.”
“I could eat more burgers than you can cook.”
“Is that a challenge?”
“It could be.”
“We do not take challenges lightly, nobody can eat more burgers than us.”
“I bet I could eat more of them than the two of you combined.”
“We’ll take that bet.” The Thiedieves said simultaneously.
“What are the terms?” I asked.
“We will cook burgers, lots of burgers, and then whoever eats the most wins. Our combined totals will be put against your pitiful attempt. If we win you must submit to us, and be our patio tard.” Scott said.
“And if I win.”
“You won’t, but name your terms.”
“The two of you will go first, and when you say you are done, I will go. If I win I get the Pink Chalice, your gnome Tim becomes master of this place, and I get safe passage out of the region.”
“That is a high price, but we never lose.” They said.
So they started to cook and cook and cook some more. Burgers poured out of the oven. The Thiedieves dug in, and started to inhale many burgers. They ate themselves silly after about a half an hour they announced they were done. They had amassed an impressive 43 burgers. I then took one out and slowly ate it, I ate for about half an hour and knocked out about twelve burgers, I stopped eating.
“You lose.” They shouted with glee.
“No I haven’t, I am not finished yet. I will eat more later. We never said it was a timed contest. You agreed to MY terms which said you two will go first and when you say you are done I will go. No time limits. I will take my time and eat 44 burgers.”

Several hours later I completed my last burger and became the winner. Their hatred burned, but they were bound to their word by the Gnome Tim. I took the Pink Chalice and headed out.
“You tricked us in true Thiedieve style. I think you may be our long lost brother.” They said in unison. “But we will get even with you.”

I headed back to the King of the booth. On my way there I ran into a man who dropped out of the shadows.
“You got the Pink chalice from the Thiedieves?” He asked.
“I did, but who are you?”
“I am Rimmie, the King sent me to get the Chalice, but the Thiedieves thwarted me.”
“So now you are just roaming in the shadows?”
“No! The King gave me another task instead. I must bring him the Cedar Pennant. I must complete a task so I can get cure for my dying friend Buck.”
“Why don’t you just take Buck to the healer?”
“Buck is a Dolphin, and I can’t let anyone know that I am the reason he is sick.”
“I will help you get this Pennant. Then you can heal your friend.”
“Why did you agree to get the Chalice for the King?” He asked.
“Because I must rescue the Pretty Princess!”
“The Pretty Princess is here?”
“You know of the Pretty Princess?” I asked.
“Of course, I have heard rumors, but I didn’t believe them.”
“Oh believe them! She is the most gorgeous, intelligent…. Oh, words fail me when I try to describe her.”
“You know she can only belong to one man, when she finds that man she will bond with him forever.” Rimmie said.
“I don’t care if she bonds with me, I just want to see her free.”
“Free of what? Her clothes.” Rimmie joked.
“You are disgusting.”
“No, I am certifiably the horniest creature alive. I am a try sexual in that I will try anything once. You see I gave Buck a case of….”
“I really don’t want to know. Let’s just keep this about finding the pennant.” I said hastily.
“O.K. But if….”
“About the pennant.”
“The pennant is trapped on top of the jousting ring. It is guarded by many war horses, and a few armed guards. My plan was to sneak in at night when the horses are sleeping, but I need help distracting the guards.”
“I can distract the guards.”

We traveled along the path until we were in front of the jousting ring. The jousting ring was huge, but sitting high atop it was the Pennant.
“What is with the King and his affinity for Pink?” I asked.
“Who knows?” Rimmie shrugged.

Rimmie wandered off to the side and around to the back. I walked straight down the path to the guards. As I started talking to the guards I noticed Rimmie was climbing the ring up toward the Pennant.
“Halt trespasser.” Said the first guard.
“Trespasser? Where on Earth did you learn such a lame line?” Asked the second guard.
“Well what should I have said?” Asked the first guard.
“Prisoner or dead meat might have worked.” Said the second.
“Well he isn’t a prisoner yet now is he? And I can’t just kill him for giggles now can I?” Asked the First.
“You know George you are an imbecile.” Said the second one.
“No George you are.” Said the first George.

Rimmie was already to the top of the ring, and had started loosening the Pennant. I listened to the two Georges go on for several minutes. They argued and called each other such horrible things. At one point I was sure they were going to start fighting. Rimmie had the Pennant and was climbing down the ring when they finally remembered me.

“What is your business here?” The first George asked.
“I was looking for a bathroom remember.” I said.
“Oh yeah, down this path to the left then, be on your way.” The second George offered.
“Thank you gentleman.” I said as I headed down the path and met up with Rimmie.

“What a couple of dolts.” I said.
“Thanks for your help.”
“No problem, now let’s go see the King.”

Our trip back to the King was uneventful, but we did run into a man named Louie who was selling small flowers. I bought a couple of baby buds and put them in my pocket for when I rescued the Pretty Princess.

“Both of you have returned. That is amazing did you both succeed? “ Asked the king.
“Yes.” We replied in unison.
“Give me the items!”

Both Rimmie and I gave our pink things to the King. The King grabbed them and got a maniacal look on his face.
“I needed these, now you will all face my wrath.”
He stuffed the pennant into the chalice. He then twisted a ring off his finger and dropped it into the chalice. He then started to wave his hands around as he mumbled some arcane words. Smoke started to pour out of the chalice. The king started to laugh as his skin became transparent. Then his skin started to glow pink. Green smoke continued to billow out of the chalice. The King started to change form, wings sprouted from his back. His hands started to change into talons. He screamed in pain as rage as the transformation continued. The smoke was so thick I could no longer see the King. I could hear him thrashing as his transformation continued. Then there was a brilliant pink flash and a thunderous bang filled my ears. The smoke was all drawn into the King and he bellowed as his transformation was complete. He didn’t really bellow, it was more of squeak. He had changed into a dragon made of iron, but he was only five inches tall.
“All of that and you are only five inches tall?” I asked sarcastically.
“I don’t understand, I said the spell correctly. I followed all of the direction.” The King squeaked.
“Yeah, you are a mighty iron dragon, and what was that you said about facing your wrath?” I asked.
“I may be small, but I am still a dragon.”
He then took a deep breath and blew a pitiful fireball at me. The fireball did nothing but warm the spot it hit.
“Well, if I need a light I will call you.” Said Rimmie.
I reached over and picked up the chalice, and then I dropped it over the king. I then searched the booth that the King had been in. I found an old jar with a lid. I slid some paper under the chalice and picked the king up. I then dropped him into the jar. I screwed the lid on tight and then poked some holes into the top of it.
“Let me out of here.”
“No. You owe me some answers, and you were trying to double cross us.”
“I swear I was going to help you.”
“Before or after you ate us?”
“Well….”
“Look King I will keep you in this jar safe until I have rescued the Pretty Princess.” Once I have rescued her I will give you to her, and she can do as she likes with you.”
“She may keep me in here forever.”
“Maybe, or she might make a necklace of you. I don’t really care. I just want to set her free. You need to tell me the information you promised.”
“I have heard of a great bird of the sky, it is a hunter and it is huge. I’ve heard that this Raptor has captured the Princess and is keeping her locked in a red barn. You must find the bird and then it’s barn if you are to rescue her. Now let me go!”
“I am in charge of you, and as long as you are trapped in that jar you will do everything I ask, or I will flush you down the nearest toilet.”

I reunited with my other companions and introduced them all to Rimmie. I showed them the tiny Iron Dragon and shared the story of the Raptor.

“I know where the raptor is.” Said Mat.
“I know too, but I really don’t want to head there, it is fraught with dangers.” Jason added. “We have to go through the great green forest. The forest is made of steel, and the Raptor roars through it. There is a cobra as well, and then the greatest horror of all, the turnstile corral.”
“We must save here, I understand if any of you want to quit. You have no obligation to me.”
“I am with you, you saved me from the King.” Rimmie said.
“I am with you, I know that this is a quest for true love.” Dan said.
“I am with you, I get a chance to break things.” Jason said.
“I am with you, because I am high…..hahahahaaaaaaaaaa. No really I am high and I’ve heard that the best shrooms grow in the Raptor forest.” Mat said.
“Thank you, I appreciate the support you all are showing me.”

We set out for the forest. We traveled down a wide path. We traveled for a long time before anything happened, but then two things happened rapidly. The first thing was a pixie jumped out and flashed a light in our faces. This made Jason fall into the swamp on the side of the path.
“You have blinded us.” I screamed.
“No, I took your pictures.” The Pixie said.
Then the Pixie handed me a ticket.
“You can come back later and see the picture.”
“Why would we do that?”
“A souvenir of your party before you entered the Raptor’s forest. I bet not all of you get out of there alive. Besides you are missing one already.”
We all looked around.
“Where is Jason?” I asked.
“He was right here.” Mat said.
“He must have fallen off the path.” I said.
“Nothing get by you.” The pixie said and then in a flash she was gone.
We searched just off the path and found Jason waist deep in scum. He was thrusting his fist into the scum trying to get free. I tossed him a branch I found on the ground, and as a group we were able to pull him free of the slime.
“That was disgusting.” Jason said.
We traveled a little further and found ourselves at the entrance of the green forest. The entrance was strewn with bones from past victims. We took a collective deep breath and stepped into the forest. All was dark as our eyes adjusted. We were able to make out shapes and then the forest came into clear view. The trees were spread far apart but were huge. They raised high into the sky and had the strangest branches. As we looked up the light was blotted out by a great shadow. The shadow roared above us, we felt the wind it displaced with his mighty wings. We heard screams emanating from his victims. We followed the shadow trying to see where the Raptor nests. As we followed him Mat became a little distracted.
“The colors in here are awesome.” Mat said.
“What are you talking about, it is all green.” I said.
“He found some shrooms, and ate them.” Jason stated.
“Dude, when did you get three heads?” Mat asked.
“He is totally wasted.” I commented.
“I am not a waste, you’re the one with three heads. Man you are really tripping me out. These clothes really itch.”
Mat then ripped his clothes off and went running through the forest.
“I will go save him.” Jason said and headed off after Mat.

The rest of us headed off to where the Raptor landed. The forest opened upon a maze of chrome. The maze went on forever, with no clear way through it.
“How will we get through this?” I wondered out loud.

We stood for several minutes trying to figure out a way through the maze. I began to pace from side to side as I thought about it. As I paced back and forth I noticed something peculiar. The Iron Dragon stayed fixated on the Raptor nest. His body would turn from side to side. He pointed like a needle of a compass.

Using the Iron Dragon we were able to easily navigate our way through the maze. But as we all know when things go easy the other shoe drops. It all started with a loud clanging noise, and then a rushing hiss. Out of nowhere it struck. The Cobra. The cobra just missed pumping me full of venom by inches. I dropped the dragon and rolled to the side. Dan grabbed on to the side rail of the maze and started to swing side to side. Rimmie dodged out of the way, but something he was wearing had the cobra’s attention. I think it might have been his cologne.

“Keep him occupied Rimmie.” Dan shouted.
“I have a choice?”

The Tyskaraung continued to build up momentum, swinging closer and closer to the giant snake. Then he let go and launched himself at the snake. He landed with a thud on the snake’s hood. He wrapped his legs around it’s neck. Then he reached down and started to pry it’s jaws apart. It was a struggle of sheer power, but eventually there was a large cracking noise and Dan managed to rip the Cobra apart.

“That was fun.” Dan said. And then he collapsed on the ground. I ran up to him, but it was too late. One of the fangs had pierced his paw. He had sacrificed himself to save the rest of us. We all stood around and gave him a moment of silence, and then we collected rocks to cover him, and give him a memorial so no one would ever forget what a true friend he really was.

I went over and picked up the jar with the Iron Dragon in it. We used him to navigate the rest of the maze. The maze opened up on a huge nest full of eggs. To our surprise the Raptor was in the nest, and seemed to be waiting for us. As we stepped out we were greeted by a curious sight, the Raptor wasn’t fierce looking at all. It was several colors, and had a bow on it’s head.

“I know not just anyone can pull off pink, green, yellow, and orange. Isn’t it the cutest colors you have ever seen? And the bow, do you know how long it took me to find a rainbow bow?” The raptor asked. “Where are my manners, I am Marcia Everycolor. I am the raptor, welcome to my nest.”

“Hhhelllloooo!?” I stammered

“Why have you come to my nest?”

“I seek the Pretty Princess, and I was told that you had her captive here.”
“What horrible lies are told about me, I am a queen, and therefore have no need for a Princess.”
“You really don’t have her?”
“No I don’t.”
“You don’t even know where she is?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Where is she?”
“Well now! That is a bit impetuous isn’t it? You think I would just give you that information for free? You have to earn it to get it from me.”
“Of course I do! I am sure there is some quest in which I must go retrieve something or another for you, blah, blah, blah.”
“A bit weary of questing?”
“No! I must rescue the Princess.”
“Well, I do not need you to quest for anything, but I LOVE to play games.”
“OK.”
“The game is really simple, in my nest are several eggs, inside one of them is the key to the locket around my neck. The hitch is you only have two minutes to open as many as possible. Once your time is up I will allow you to test your keys. If you open the locket I will fly you and your companions to where the Princess is. If you do not find the right key I get to eat you.”
“That is a bit extreme isn’t it?”
“Hey a birds gotta eat.”
“I would lay my life down for the Princess.”
“On the count of three, the game will begin. One, two, three…”

I jumped into the nest and started cracking open the eggs, every one of them had a key in them. I had cracked several of them open, but I was scared. I closed my eyes a pictured that Pretty Princess. Her beautiful face, her swaying hips, and that amazing intellect. My heart longed so badly for her I opened my eyes, and off in the corner of the nest an egg started to glow pink. I grabbed it and cracked it open.

“How did you know?”
“What?” I asked as I snapped out of my daydream.
“How did you know it was that egg? Nobody has ever beat me at this game.”
“It was love. The Pretty Princess showed me where it was.”
“It must be true love. You have bested me, and I will take you to where the Princess is being held. Climb aboard my shoulders and I will fly you there.”

Rimmie and I climbed onto the Raptor’s back. The giant bird launched itself into the air and took flight. The raptor banked and then flew toward a huge black castle in the center of the land. The giant bird landed on a rampart and Ellen De Snaggletooth stepped out, behind her was a small evil looking woman, her skin was ashen like she had stepped out of the grave.

“Great job my pet.” Ellen said. “I told you Marcia would bring their quest to an end.”
“You have done well. You and your bird will be rewarded handsomely.” The old crone croaked. “Allow me to introduce myself, I am Suella Graven. I am the wickedest of all witches. You have set out to free the Pretty Princess, never knowing your own importance. No matter. I will have the Pretty Princess soon enough, and then all hope will be gone.”

She then started to cackle and cast a spell. The air around Rimmie and I started to shimmer and coalesce, suddenly we were frozen in place.
“That will hold you.”